A Short by David Sedaris...

I know that many of you visit my blog to get your daily dose of funny. Well-I have nothing that is funny to tell really so I am borrowing something from a book that I am currently SLOWLY reading. The following in an excerpt from "When You Are Engulfed In Flames" by David Sedaris. You may have seen his work in your local bookstore or heard him on This American Life on NPR. I LOVE his works-I get his humor and I appreciate that he can find the funny in the most common of places.

I have enjoyed reading this book so much that I have not yet finished it. Not to say that I am not anxious to get to the end-I just have no time. And what time I do have to read is in the bed at night. I tried to read this book in the bed with the dog and Nathan. I was disturbing them both. Not because I cannot use my "inside voice" but because I was laughing so hard that I woke the dog up and made Nathan actually look up from his laptop (work) and make sure that I was OK. Much to his grumbling dismay, I was OK, just reading to which he huffed and continued on working......ah love in the Summar home.

Ladies and Gentlemen....David Sedaris:

"With a Pal Like This, Who Needs Enemies"

I've always liked the idea of accessories, those little pick-me-ups deigned to invigorate what has come to feel drab and predictable. A woman might rejuvenate an outfit with a vintage Hermes scarf or jaunty rope belt, but the options for men aren't nearly so interesting. I have no use for cuff links or suspenders, and while I'll occasionally pick up a new tie it hardly leaves me feeling "kicky." Hidden accessories can do the trick, but again they're mainly the province of women. Garter belt and lingerie-yes. Sock garter and micro brief-no.

It was my search for something discreet, masculine and practical that led me to the Stadium Pal, an external catheter currently being marketed to sports fans, truck drivers, and anyone else who's tired of searching for a bathroom. At first inspection the device met all my criteria:

Was it masculine, Yes, and proudly so. Knowing that no sensible female would ever voluntarily choose to pee in her pants, the manufacturers went ahead and designed the product exclusively for men. Unlike the regular catheter, which is inserted directly into the penis, the Stadium Pal connects by way of a self adhesive condom, which is then attached to a flexible rubber tube. Urine flows through the tube and collects in the "freedom leg bag," conveniently attached to the user's calf. The bag can be emptied and reused up to twelve times, making it both disgusting and cost effective. And what could be manlier?

What it discreet? According to the brochure, unless you wore it with shorts, no one needed to know anything about it.

What it practical? At the time, yes. I do not drive or attend football games, but I did have a book tour coming up, and the possibilities were endless. Five glasses of iced tea followed by a long public reading? Thanks, Stadium Pal! The window sear on an overloaded coast to coast flight? Don't mind if I do!

I ordered myself a Stadium Pal and realized that while it might make sense in a hospital, it really wasn't very practical for day-to-day use. In an open-air sporting arena, a piping hot thirty two ounce bag of urine might go unnoticed , but not so in a stuffy airplane or small, crowded bookstore. An hour after christening it, I smelled like a nursing home. On top of that, I found that it was hard to pee and do other things at the same time. Reading out loud, discussing my beverage options with a flight attendant, checking into a fine hotel: each activity required its own separate form of concentration, and while no one knew exactly what I was up to, it was pretty clear that something was going on. I think it was my face that gave me away. That and my oddly swollen calf.

What ultimately did me in was the self-adhesive condom. Putting it on was no problem, but its removal qualified as what, in certain cultures, is known as a bris. Wear it once, and you'll need a solid month to fully recover. It will likely be a month in which you'll weigh the relative freedom of peeing in your pants against the unsightly discomfort of a scab-covered penis, ultimately realizing that, in terms of convenient accessory, your better off with a new watchband.