A Short by David Sedaris...

I know that many of you visit my blog to get your daily dose of funny. Well-I have nothing that is funny to tell really so I am borrowing something from a book that I am currently SLOWLY reading. The following in an excerpt from "When You Are Engulfed In Flames" by David Sedaris. You may have seen his work in your local bookstore or heard him on This American Life on NPR. I LOVE his works-I get his humor and I appreciate that he can find the funny in the most common of places.

I have enjoyed reading this book so much that I have not yet finished it. Not to say that I am not anxious to get to the end-I just have no time. And what time I do have to read is in the bed at night. I tried to read this book in the bed with the dog and Nathan. I was disturbing them both. Not because I cannot use my "inside voice" but because I was laughing so hard that I woke the dog up and made Nathan actually look up from his laptop (work) and make sure that I was OK. Much to his grumbling dismay, I was OK, just reading to which he huffed and continued on working......ah love in the Summar home.

Ladies and Gentlemen....David Sedaris:

"With a Pal Like This, Who Needs Enemies"

I've always liked the idea of accessories, those little pick-me-ups deigned to invigorate what has come to feel drab and predictable. A woman might rejuvenate an outfit with a vintage Hermes scarf or jaunty rope belt, but the options for men aren't nearly so interesting. I have no use for cuff links or suspenders, and while I'll occasionally pick up a new tie it hardly leaves me feeling "kicky." Hidden accessories can do the trick, but again they're mainly the province of women. Garter belt and lingerie-yes. Sock garter and micro brief-no.

It was my search for something discreet, masculine and practical that led me to the Stadium Pal, an external catheter currently being marketed to sports fans, truck drivers, and anyone else who's tired of searching for a bathroom. At first inspection the device met all my criteria:

Was it masculine, Yes, and proudly so. Knowing that no sensible female would ever voluntarily choose to pee in her pants, the manufacturers went ahead and designed the product exclusively for men. Unlike the regular catheter, which is inserted directly into the penis, the Stadium Pal connects by way of a self adhesive condom, which is then attached to a flexible rubber tube. Urine flows through the tube and collects in the "freedom leg bag," conveniently attached to the user's calf. The bag can be emptied and reused up to twelve times, making it both disgusting and cost effective. And what could be manlier?

What it discreet? According to the brochure, unless you wore it with shorts, no one needed to know anything about it.

What it practical? At the time, yes. I do not drive or attend football games, but I did have a book tour coming up, and the possibilities were endless. Five glasses of iced tea followed by a long public reading? Thanks, Stadium Pal! The window sear on an overloaded coast to coast flight? Don't mind if I do!

I ordered myself a Stadium Pal and realized that while it might make sense in a hospital, it really wasn't very practical for day-to-day use. In an open-air sporting arena, a piping hot thirty two ounce bag of urine might go unnoticed , but not so in a stuffy airplane or small, crowded bookstore. An hour after christening it, I smelled like a nursing home. On top of that, I found that it was hard to pee and do other things at the same time. Reading out loud, discussing my beverage options with a flight attendant, checking into a fine hotel: each activity required its own separate form of concentration, and while no one knew exactly what I was up to, it was pretty clear that something was going on. I think it was my face that gave me away. That and my oddly swollen calf.

What ultimately did me in was the self-adhesive condom. Putting it on was no problem, but its removal qualified as what, in certain cultures, is known as a bris. Wear it once, and you'll need a solid month to fully recover. It will likely be a month in which you'll weigh the relative freedom of peeing in your pants against the unsightly discomfort of a scab-covered penis, ultimately realizing that, in terms of convenient accessory, your better off with a new watchband.

School Picture Proofs and Benjamin Button

I am now living with Benjamin Button. To the left is my husband. To the left is a man that can no longer talk like you and I talk. To the left is a man whom is very proud to have a dental device in his mouth. He can no longer talk like someone that likes -oh say females- he has a sudden lisp to everything.

My husband is Benjamin Button with a twist. He has hit the age of 34 and has decided that the thing to do is get a retainer and braces. I thought that he was going to come home and have a metal mouth. Instead he came home with two appliances. The Benjamin Button part is the part that-aren't we supposed to get the awkward straighten teeth part of our life over before we go to college? Nathan is out of college, has advanced certification, two kids, a full time (more than) job, a wife and a house and two cars.....Yet his wife of 10 years is blogging about his back peddling into puberty. I am waiting for him to really kick of the trend and shave his facial hair! Then he will probably be fired for looking like a kid or he will be put on the cover of Life Magazine for being such an accomplished 12 year old.

Alas! If you are a follower of my blog, you know that Ethan, John and I have problems remembering and taking school pictures. I have seen the proofs and this year is sure NOT to disappoint! They are disheveled messes! They have teeth missing, hair uncombed, eyes half opened-they are wonderful! I cannot wait to post them when they come in!

Until next time, smile for the camera.

Scred to Death

When you are the ripe old age of 33, you often times have friends that have children that are older than your own. This is the case with me and one of my friends (whom shall remain nameless)-you feel as though you have had a hand in raising their kids too. It takes a village right? If not feeding burping or changing that child then for support of your friend, the parent. This friend has a child whom is the best kid. Honest, wonderful child, considerate, smart, well mannered-all that you could ask for... And then I was scared to death!

This wonderful child has entered PUBERTY! Now I have not seen this kid since the discovery was made. I am fairly certain that he is not sporting the five o clock shadow..however I am somewhat convinced that he is different.....acting!

I do not scare easily....I have twins. I am petrified of them changing. I remember the changes that I went through when I was 18. (Late bloomer) I know that my kids will not cry, slam doors, tell me that I do not love them...I should have thought of all of this prior to having kids. What oh what am I going to do? I remember my brother and the voice changed, moodiness, body odor---Oh what does life hold for me? Should I start telling them about proper application of deodorant? Should I just ignore the fact that I am going to have to face this at some point? How should I prepare? Rest assured, Nathan will have nothing to say to them about any of this. I am alone, all alone!

Anyone want a couple of the sweetest children that are bound to change?

Speaking of Nathan and puberty: Nathan has decided that one tour of braces duty is not enough. Today, Nathan is spending the day at the orthodontist-getting braces! I am doomed!

Let's Talk Yoga!

Let's just take a moment and talk about Yoga. In my quest for a new body and a new mind (ahem), Melissa and I have decided to try Yoga.

Don't we see so many people with the cute little bodies state that Yoga is the go to tool? Don't we see stars walking down Hollywood Boulevard with their Yoga mats? Aren't we so used to hearing that it centers you, makes you feel more "in balance"?

Was I expecting to leave my Yoga class looking like Madonna, Gwenyth or Jennifer Garner? Well no. Was I expecting to leave class feeling more centered? Perhaps. Did I think that it would change my outlook on my little world? Kinda-I admit! Was I expecting to have a better attitude regarding my stresses? Well yeah!

So what happened you ask? Yoga pisses me off! I am not yet going to say that I hate Yoga, but I am not a lover of finding my center and acting like a tree. I have NEVER seen a Downward Dog, I do not like scorpions and don't wish to emulate one. I have never cared to be a warrior much less a warrior 2. I admit, I am bendy and I can flex -but all of my classical ballet training must be thrown out the window. The horror! Flexed feet and squared hips and I just do not calculate.

When I thought of going to Yoga, I thought we were going to meditate, stretch, feel better about ourselves. Well when I left, I only meditated on the clock and when Yoga was going to end. I did stretch, muscles that I wish I had never met. And did I feel better about myself? The room was mostly mirrors-what do you think?

Will I go back?Hmmmm.... Pilate's anyone?

Another Picture Day!

So life would have it, school starts and it is by far-the busiest time of the year. It totally catches me off guard. I think that I am always messing up, forgetting something, or not paying for a HUGE ground breaking make or break scholastic event. Thus far-all three weeks, mind you, of school..this mom has been on the ball. I credit that to the fact that I have been so overwhelmed with to do's and must remembers that I have not screwed anything up yet.

This mommy has been to various health care facilities, overseeing care, buying school supplies, procuring new clothes, cleaning house (and by cleaning house-I mean throwing away junk from the kids room) There are so, so many things that must happen when the kids start school. I am so good that I have started going to the GYM! That is right- THE GYM! Can I just say, I am on the BALL!

So that brings us to the point of this post: the Gym call. Melissa (my BFF) called this morning to tell me that our workout was canceled. Not a problem with me! My legs are pissed at the 40+ squats we did yesterday. I digress....when speaking with M, she asks: "Are the boys freaked about school pictures today?"

WHAT? You mean that reminder that was sent home with both of the kids was not a joke? You mean that even though I am related (thru marriage) to the person who shoots the pictures, he is going to work with my kids at their school TODAY? Is it really 7:20am and I have convince John that an undershirt is not suitable for picture day? Oh the worry!

So I get off the phone (sorry M for hanging up on you) yell at the kids to meet me at Ethan's closet. When we convening at the closet for shall we say for the "clothing classic." I pull out two shirts making sure that they are not the same collared shirts that they wore last year. (that is how many we own) I pull them over the kids heads. Tell them to them meet me in my bathroom because you know my kids do not have a hairbrush in their bathroom. We do good to have toothbrushes in their bath. I brush their hair and tell them to finish up and meet me in the kitchen and we will leave.

I do not pay attention as to how much time has past ....until I smell them! That is correct, since and because they are 1-in a collared shirt and 2- because I put them in said shirt they are now "dressed up." Meaning we get in dad's cologne. And by get into, I mean spray at least 18 squirts on our little bodies. WOW! Then I let my eyes travel up their little bodies ( I was looking for a wet spot from the cologne-serious that bad) and see BAM! HAIR GEL! They literally look like they got out of the shower and the only part of their bodies that got wet was their head. I move closer to inspect and it is stiff and hard! Stiff hair on picture day!

BACK TO THE BATHROOM~ I yell! Now it is 7:28! School starts in 17 minutes! I comb their stiff headwear until it looks picturable. OK Load up in the car and let's go. I mess with the dog trying to get her to go to school with us. She will not enter the car. That is odd, she is always ready to GO-anywhere. I put her back in the house and enter the car. NO wonder why she will not get in the car. It smells like a car full of teenage boys that will not take a shower but will instead wear cologne. I roll down the windows tell the kids ONE squirt-thinking that their poor teachers, classmates and how lucky I am that by the time they get home they will be SO over the collared shirts that they will rip them off and I will be cologne free for the evening.

I have a school picture block. Every year I mess up this day. I will not let them take re-takes for fear that they will be even worse than the original and then I will be stuck. So I keep the first shot because who said school pictures had to be good pictures? Who said you had to NOT look like a homeless person? Not this mommy! These should be really good--

I tried!