in all honesty...

So for that past few posts I have no had much to say. Mostly because we have been so incredibly busy that who has time time to think of neat insights, cute quotes, and catchy cliques-not me, although I think I just did. HA! Amazing!

For my kids, their summer is coming to a quick end. As you know, they go to year round school. So instead of them spending August in the heat complaining of the heat-they are putting their brains in overdrive and learning. Ahh-love me some year-rounded (ness) I will go and register them on Thursday, attend open house on Wednesday and BAM Thursday-I own two second graders. I have been told that, some of the teachers are looking forward to the "always at school helping" side of me. ha!

Furthermore if I can put my two cents in on the John and Kate Divorce, and the Death of Michael Jackson-ha! While I am so overly well informed on both of those topics I will NOT be an outlet for their business. However I do have a fun MJ story for you later...

My brother and sister in law are moving in a week! They will head to live in the 'burbs of Houston. While I am awful proud to have a brother who has a delightful family and a wife whom is the closest of my friends and an awesome job. I am NOT in any way shape or form ready to say see you soon. As you gather I do not do Good Bye! Not even with my daddy. I am also happy to report that my brother is going to get his second MBA, this time from Penn State in Materials Management. Lord have mercy! How much schoolin' does you need? I suppose we will be heading to the gulf coast of Texas alot now. Bikini time for me whoo hoo! Oh and the Penn State school and Texas address, internet people.

So here comes the title of the post in real time:

In all honesty: I am a fat ass, a lard ass, a buffoon, a heifer (although I think that has more to do with my attitude than my ass) an adipose mass? I have no clue. Not that anyone has told me recently that I am fat, I own a mirror (contrary to my hair) and sometimes look at myself and muttle something along the lines of "what are you waiting for a size 30 to look good?" Well NO! I was indeed waiting for a pain free, massive liposuction proceedure to be approved by the FDA. Not going to happen-Hoover said that they don't even have a vacuum for my hot mess. And for the record I HAVE NEVER BEEN A SIZE 30-not judging, just never been that adipose.

So to say it honestly: FAT Blah! and you know what? being fat will kill your fat ass! So in order to save my life and keep my kids well dressed, nourished and groomed, transported etc.-no offense Nate. I had a Lap Band placed in my body last Thursday. I worked for over 6 months proving that I was fat, talking about my fat, being counseled on my fat ( really look at me-do I look like I have an eating disorder?) Thursday was D day. Nathan, my biggest fan, was by my side, as well as my "fat" nurse, whom is not fat at all and quite cute, we are friends, skinny friends are fun. They like to pretend that they are fat until you show them a thigh- then they shut up. Fun, try it!

So this is my 15th time that I have been under General anesthesia. Remember the knees?? So by now my friends I know when they can give me meds and when they need to hold off. I told Dr Steeley if he could keep me up and I could watch I would be all for it... he said -I will take pics. He did. I will post them if I can....back to business. I have had nothing in my IV but saline. Glorified water. And they have this anesthesiologist that is like 15 (hello Dougie Howser!) I get all set on the table, and I think about MJ, the gloved one. I look up at the little man doctor and I tell him "DO NOT look at my stuff."He then assured me that he would not. Then I saw him raise the needle and start to give me the juice (without warning gasp I am not ready-hello have to tell skinny nurse friend not to kill me I have two kids!) and I tell him " OK bring on the MJ Juice." My skinny nurse friend said they laughed the whole time after that. I just hope that they did it correct!

So now, I am drinking 600 liquid calories a day, I have NO energy, I have no kids (they are at camp) and feel like a fat person who can only sleep with discomfort, whom has been sprayed by bullets (7 holes in the abdonmen) and that silly Dr. Houser put a tube that was too big in my throat and now I have a sore throat and tongue. I tell you....what! I had no idea how much get up and go food gives you.

Here's to a longer life- now raise your protein shakes that are fit for body builders (which is not what I am going for) and take a slow sip! It is a long road to skinny sista!